i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
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This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
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I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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