then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
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The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
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I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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