I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize