you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I want to have your abortion
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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