didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My dick has a subreddit
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
