how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
