I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
