New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
So many bounce houses so little time
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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