i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
