I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
