I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
