I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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