I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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