Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
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