Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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