If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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