He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
