I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
