Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
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Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
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I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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