It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
