I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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