i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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