And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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