Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
