that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
