you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
