I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
