I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It's just like the Real World with babies
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
