Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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