we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The Olympian is in my bed
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
