That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
