I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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