this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
