I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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