Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
