the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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