i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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