I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
