this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
