I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
