I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
