Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
