My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
