i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
