You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
