we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
