pop tarts are not kleenex
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
