Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
