Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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