I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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