I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
