you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
